It's been a while.  I've been so busy.  I took the GRE, and I got the score that I was shooting for, without much studying.  So that's exciting.  I still don't know where I'm going for grad school, but I did realize that I should probably major in anthropology or sociology because they are more related to my research interests.  I might spend next year teaching in a private high school somewhere.  Staci and I are going somewhere.  We kinda want to go to the DC area, but we'll see. We just need to get out of Mississippi.

I watched part of a Katrina documentary about the Gulf Coast, and I thought 6 months later I could deal with it.  No. I cried and got really depressed.  I had almost forgotten how pretty it used to be.  One word describes my home - gone.

Thoughts are swirling around my head. I've just been working and doing homework. I need to learn to start saying no.  I overbook myself.  Oh well, it's Friday.  I'm at work, then I just have to do my 2 hours of Luckyday office hours, then I will be FREE!  - except for the midterm I have to study for and the take-home midterm I have to compose...

I think of good stuff to stay in here during the day, and by the time I sit down to write, the thoughts have escaped me. 

Ever see somebody you think is somebody else and start to talk to them and realize they aren't that person?  I do that once or twice a week... I did that the other day, and some guy looked at me really weird.  He DID look a lot like Ethan though from a few feet away. 

Do I miss someone or just the idea of having somebody to be there for me?  I just want somebody to hold my hand and give me hugs and tell me that it will all be okay.  

I've been having a lot of deep conversations lately.  I realized that the reason it's so hard for me to leave for grad school is the fact that I'm always the one that gets left.  I've never really had to do the leaving before.  My dad left the family twice.  Jacob left me for college.  I'm just not used to be the one that leaves first.  That's all. 

I'm behind in my readings for school.  GRE next week!  I haven't cracked the study book.  I pretty much suck!

Ever feel alone in a crowd of people?  I do.  There's some extreme disconnect I have with most people lately, especially since the hurricane.  I feel like few people actually know me.  I told myself I would put walls down and let people in for my New Year's resolution, but it's hard.  I risk feeling vulnerable and being hurt.  It's rough.

Apparently I'm hard to read.  Maybe I'm incredibly boring.  I feel like I have half a billion acquaintances but no true friends.  It's like I can't get to the next level.  I don't mind hanging out with myself.  In fact, most nights I'm so tired from going 10 or 12 hours with work and school without a break that I don't want to hang out with anybody anyway.  I guess I feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's Tab against the world.  I wonder all the time why I'm in the sorority when it makes me feel inadaquate in so many ways.   I don't feel like I belong in my family; everybody is so different from me, but they swear I'm not adopted.  Some of my friends would rather hang out with friends they wouldn't have met without hanging out w/ me and dump me.  That's really kinda hurtful.  Yet, somehow I keep it all inside, don't talk about it to anybody, and hope and pray that someday somebody will like me for me and not for what I can do for them or try to get to know my friends better.  Why can't people like me for me? I'm tired of always feeling not good enough.

The future is scary. GRE - February 16.